English Gags

Newest stuff first.
A Short Program Which Prints Its Own Source
ThInGs To Do In An ElEvAtoR
How To Install Software
Ridden An Airplane Lately?
Aussie Airline Humor
Computer Problem Report Form
If companies would make toasters
A Story About Neil Armstrong
Religions of the World
Windows 98 Source Code
Men and Women are not alike
A Joke Starring Bill Clinton
The Evolution of a Programmer

Deutsche Gags

best viewed with open eyes

A Short Program Which Prints Its Own Source

The goal is to write a program which prints his complete source code when run. A possible, and rather short solution of this is:
The ultimate program of this sort has been found at the Obfuscated C Contest (see links): A source code with length 0 compiles (with a special Makefile) to a executable with length 0 which does nothing (which is the same as the source code).

ThInGs To Do In An ElEvAtoR

  1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
  2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
  5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
  6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
  7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
  9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
  10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
  11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and revue emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
  12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
  13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
  14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
  15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
  16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
  17. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
  18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
  19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
  20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner facing the wall, without getting off.
  21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
  22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
  23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
  24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
  26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

How To Install Software

  1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
    3546 MB RAM
    432323 MB ROM
    2353700 MB RPM
    NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
  2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
  3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

    By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

  4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
  5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive,type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
  6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
  7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
  8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
    The Installation Program will now 
    examine your system to see what would
    be the best way to render it inoperable. 
    Is it OK with you? Choose one, and 
    be honest:
    A. YES
    B. SURE
  9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
  10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
    The installation program cannot think 
    of anything else to do to your computer 
    and has grown bored. You may now attempt 
    to run your software. If you experience 
    any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, 
    shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or 
    intestinal parasites, you should immediately
    *!@!$)$ %@&*^) $*!#$_$*^&
  11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
  12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Ridden An Airplane Lately?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants 'fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Aussie Airline Humor

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by Quantas Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots squawks.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers)

P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid
S - #2 propeller seepage normal - #1,3,4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit
S - Something tightened in cockpit

P - Dead bugs on windshield
S - Live bugs on backorder

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P - Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they're there for!

P - IFF inoperative
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Computer Problem Report Form

  1. Describe your problem: ___________________
  2. Now, describe the problem accurately:________
  3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: _____
  4. Problem Severity:
    1. Minor ___
    2. Minor ___
    3. Minor ___
    4. Minor ___
  5. Nature of the problem:
    1. Locked Up ___
    2. Frozen ___
    3. Hung ___
    4. Shot
  6. ls your Computer plugged in? Yes___ No___
  7. ls it turned on? Yes___ No___
  8. Have your tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No___
  9. Have your made it worse? Yes___
  10. Have your read the manual? Yes___ No___
  11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No___
  12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No___
  13. Do you think you understood it? Yes___ No___
  14. lf 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? ___________________
  15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________________
  16. What were you doing with your Computer at the time the problem occurred?
  17. lf 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
  18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes___ No
  19. How does this problem make you feel?
  20. Teil me about your childhood.
  21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes___ No
  22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes___

If companies would make toasters

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If NASA made toasters...
The toast would burst into flames shortly after popping up.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

If Sun made toasters...
They would be beige with dimpled surfaces and zigzag sides, the buttons and cable would be in pale purple, every piece would carry a little sun logo, and the bread would go in at the side.

If Sun made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to ´phone up the bakery, give them the serial number of your toaster and bread loaf and so get from them a single slice bread toasting license. Of course, what with your multi slice capable UltraToaster, you feel kinda dumb doing toast one slice at the time. No problem, just buy more loafs of bread and license them too. What, you have more than one toaster and want to toast a loaf on more than one of them? Hey, what are you, difficult?

A Story About Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.
NOTE 2: Someone wrote me this is not a true story.

Religions of the World

Taoism: Shit Happens.

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Dong.

Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before.

Islam: lf Shit Happens, Take a Hostage!

Zen: What is the Sound of Shit Happening?

Buddhism: When Shit Happens, is it Really Shit?

Confucianism: Confucius Say, "Shit Happens"

7th Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays.

Protestantism: Shit Won' t Happen if I Work Harder.

Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It.

Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens"

Unitarian: What is This Shit?

Mormon: Shit Happens Again & Again & Again.

Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen to Me?

Rastafarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit!

Windows 98 Source Code

TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code     
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];       
void main()
    if (first_time_installation)

    if (still_not_crashed)   
  if (detect_cache())
  if (fast_cpu())
    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);      
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
  /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */     
  /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */  
  printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
  if (system_ok())
     system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);


Men and Women are not alike

Men and Women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were making whoopi on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail... A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state- of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they grow older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

A Joke Starring Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered, "My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy." "No," said Clinton, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a high cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not," said the President. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer. President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Clinton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," said Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

The Evolution of a Programmer

High School/Jr .High

20 END

First year in College

program Hello(input, output)

   writeln('Hello World')

Senior year in College

(defun hello
    (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New Professional

#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
  char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
  int i;
  for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
    printf("%s", message [i]);

Seasoned Professional

#include <sorry_for_the_missing_includes.h>
#include <someone_deleted_them.h>

class string
  int size;
  char *ptr;
  string () : size (0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
  string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
      ptr = new char[size + 1];
      strcpy(ptr, s .ptr);
      delete [] ptr;
  friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
  string &operator=(const char *);

ostream &operator<< (ostream &stream, const string &s)
  return (stream << s.ptr);

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
  if (this != &chrs)
      delete [] ptr;
      size = strlen(chrs);
      ptr = new char[size + 1];
      strcpy (ptr, chrs);
  return (*this);

int main()
  string str;
  str = "Hello World";
  cout << str << endl;
  return ( 0 ) ;

Master Programmer

library LHello
  // bring in the master library
  // bring in my interfaces
#include "pshio.idl"
    cotype THello
      interface IHello;
      interface IPersistFile;
 uuid( 257 3F8 9 0-CFEE-10 IA-9A9F-OOAAO 0342820)
module CHelloLib
  // some code related header files
  importheader( ) ;
  importheader( ) ;
  importheader( ) ;
  importheader( "pshlo.h" ) ;
  importheader ( "shlo.hxx " ) ;
  importheader( "mycls.hxx" ) ;
  // needed typelibs
  importlib( "actimp.tlb" ) ;
  importlib( "actexp.tlb" ) ;
  importlib( "thio.tlb" );

    coclass CHello
      cotype THello;
#include "ipfix.hxx"
extern HANDLE hEvent;
class CHello : public CHelloBase
  CHello (lUnknown *pUnk);
  ~CHello ( ) ;
  HRESULT  __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);
  static int cObjRef;
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
ftinclude "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"
int CHello::cObjRef = 0;
CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
  return ;

HRESULT  __stdcall  CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
  printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
  return (ResultFromScode(S_OK) ) ;

  // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
  cObjRef-- ;
  if( cObjRef == 0 )
    PulseEvent (hEvent);

#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"
HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
                int argc,
                char * argv[]
                )    {
  ULONG ulRef;
  DWORD dwRegistration;
  CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();
  hEvent = CreateEvent (NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);
  // Initialize the OLE libraries
  CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
                        REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, sdwRegistration) ;
  // wait on an event to stop
  WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE) ;
  // revoke and release the class object
  CoRevokeClassObj ect ( dwRegistration ) ;
  ulRef = pCF->Release();
  // Teil OLE we are going away.
  return ( 0 ) ;
extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;
CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-IOIA-9A9F-OOAA00342820 */
  0x10 IA,
  ( Ox9A, Ox9F, 0x00, OxAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-IOIA-9A9F-OOAA00342820 */
  0x257 3F8 90,
  { Ox9A, Ox9F, 0x00, OxAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
#include "pshLo.h"
#include "shLo.hxx"
#include "clsLd.h"

int _cdecl main(
                int argc,
                char * argv [ ]
                )    {
  IHello *pHello;
  ULONG  ulCnt;
  IMoniker * pmk;
  WCHAR  wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];
  // get object path
  wcsPath[0] = '\0';
  wcsT[0] = '\0';
  if( argc > 1) {
    mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
    wcsupr(wcsPath) ;
  else {
    fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
    return ( 1 ) ;
  // get print string
  if( argc > 2)
    mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
    wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");
  printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
  printf ("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);
  // initialize the OLE libraries
  if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
    hRsIt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
    if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt) )
      hRsIt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);
    if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
      // print a string out
      pHello->PrintSz (wcsT) ;
      Sleep(2000) ;
      ulCnt = pHello->Release();
      printf ("Failure to connect, Status: %lx", hRsIt);
    // Teil OLE we are going away.
    CoUninitialize( ) ;
  return ( 0 ) ;

Apprentice Hacker

# !/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
  while(defined($arg=shift( @ARGV) ) ) {
    $outfilename = $arg;
    open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
    print (FILE $msg);
    close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
} else {
  print ($msg);

Experienced Hacker

#include <stdio.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit (printf (S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker

% cat
Hello, worid.

New Manager

20 END

Middle Manager

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@bl2
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.

Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!:  Event unrecognized
% logout

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Last update: march, 27, 2000