It was almost dark when
Shura landed her small ship on the lawn behind Rhona’s house.
The flight from Brindle had taken almost ten hours. To her inner clock
it was past midnight, here she thought it must be about eight
o’clock.
Though, Shura had to admit, her inner clock must be completely thrown
out of synch anyway, with her constant jumping from planet to the next
space station, all of which had completely different time zones, some
of them even different lengths of day. Moreover, she’d only
been up for something over eleven hours.
For a moment Shura remained sitting in the ship, wondering once more
whether this was a good idea. She hoped that nobody had paid any
attention to her ship when she entered Tresillian space. She had been
cleared without any questions asked. The false ship id she had
purchased had once more proven its worth.
The question that now weighed much heavier on her mind was whether it
was fair to Rhona to simply drop in on her, laden as she was with
memories of happier days, when Lucas was still alive. Not only that but
bringing her own troubles with her. Perhaps she should simply leave
again. Go to Siriska or the Tautela Islands or any other holiday resort
on the planet and leave Rhona in peace.
For that, she realised, it was too late.
The door of the house opened and Shura could see a figure silhouetted
against the light inside.
She could hardly expect that the people in the house - she hoped it was
Rhona - wouldn’t notice a ship landing only a few yards away
from their back-door.
Shura let the canopy snap open.
The person still standing in the door of the house would be able to see
her now as the cockpit light automatically turned on.
What was she doing here? she asked herself yet again.
With a sigh she pocketed the key and pushed the canopy completely open.
Rhona would have heard of Shura’s disappearance, would have
heard of what had happened to Anakin.
Would Rhona blame her? One more question to gnaw on Shura’s
mind. .
But she remembered that Rhona had not blamed her for Lucas’
death. Had not blamed Anakin either, or even the damned Jedi. Shura
recalled her own anger at this. Rhona had only blamed those who
actually did the killing and had shown intense satisfaction on the news
that Anakin had killed them, every single one of them. That had been a
feeling Shura had shared.
“Shura?”
Shura looked up, startled by the voice being so close.
It was Rhona, thank the Gods. She was standing next to the ship, her
lose hair whipped by the wind that blew warm and wild down from the
mountains. She was wearing a cream-coloured tunic, no shoes as Shura
noticed. There was a worried, hurt look on Rhona’s face as
she looked up at Shura, still motionless in the ship.
For the moment, Shura was lost for words. All she could think of was
that she loved Rhona, loved her for loving Lucas, and for being a
familiar face after these two weeks of being surrounded by nothing but
strangers.
“Are you hurt?” Rhona asked.
Shura shook her head. “No,” she managed to say,
then pulling her thoughts back to the here and now, the reason why she
was here, she said with a voice that sounded brittle in her own ears,
“I am sorry to drop in on you like this…”
“No, no,” Rhona interrupted her. “Come on
down, come in. I’m so glad you are safe.”
Shura stood up. Her knees were hurting after the long flight in the
ship that despite the alterations was just a little to short for her.
Rhona smiled up at her, though the worried look did not completely
leave her face.
“Where are your bags?” Rhona asked, and then,
“you do have bags?”
“Yes,” Shura said, climbing stiffly out of the
ship. “Down here.”
She bent down and unlocked the baggage compartment. One of her bags
dropped out onto her foot. She repressed the urge to swear at the
damned thing, then gingerly felt the strap of the bag. The temperature
was alright, the heat produced by the ship’s entry into
Tressilia’s atmosphere had warmed it. On some space stations
the bags had still been cold enough to freeze her hands. The first time
she experience this phenomenon, she’d only been saved from
doing herself some serious harm when a dock worker yelled at her to not
touch the bags. Sometimes she was longing for the days she had all
these trivialities taken care off, when she had been a high-ranking
admiral, when there had been people who were handling her luggage.
“Can you take this?” she asked Rhona and on her
“of course,” handed the bag to her.
Shura pulled another, colder bag out of the compartment and slung it
over her shoulder. Climbing half-way up to the hatch, she retrieved the
small back from where it was stuffed behind her seat. It contained the
items that didn’t take kindly to being shock-frosted in space.
“I hope I am not disturbing you,” Shura said as she
climbed down.
“No,” Rhona answered, simply.
Turning around, Shura found Rhona standing in front of her, bag at her
feet, her head tilted slightly to one side.
“Welcome,” she said and, standing on her toes, put
her arms around Shura’s shoulders.
Gods, she’d forgotten how small Rhona was, Shura realised as
she returned the embrace, how delicate. It made her feel big and
clumsy; it also reminded her of hugging Lucas, when there had also been
the need to bend down, and, by contrast, of embracing Anakin. Both of
whom she’d never be able to hold in her arms again.
“Thank the Goddess you’re safe,” Rhona
said quietly. “Your mother will be so
relieved…”
Shura pulled out of the embrace. “You can’t tell
her I’m here,” she said, more harshly than
she’d intended.
Rhona looked shocked, hurt, but she nodded. “Let’s
go inside.”
She gave Shura a wavering smile, picked up the bag and walked back
towards the house.
Shura followed. She suddenly felt appalled by her own behaviour. Not
only had she dropped in on Rhona without warning, she also realised
that she had not said a single kind word to her so far. No
‘How are you?’ or ‘It’s good to
see you’. No explanation of where she’d been.
Her family must be worried sick with dread, not having heard from her
since the horrible news of Anakin’s accident broke.
Shura pulled a grimace. How would they have explained her disappearance?
But she could not explain it to them, not now, and particularly not to
her mother.
Rhona stepped onto the porch that ran all the way round the house. For
a house it was, not a cottage as Lucas had always claimed.
Shura looked up at the yasimi trees that spread their wide canopies
over its roof. The house looked small and squat compared to these tall
trees whose shade must help a great deal towards keeping the house cool
in the intense summer heat. Their small, hard leave rustled in the
wind.
It looked so different than her own home up in the North. White wood,
large windows, a good few of them went down to the ground, doors in
fact rather than windows.
“Come on,” Rhona said from the door.
Manners, Shura reminded herself.
“I’m sorry to burst in on you like this,”
she said as she followed Rhona inside, into the kitchen. “I
just needed a place to rest. For a couple of days, if that is not
asking too much.”
“No, not at all,” Rhona closed the door behind
Shura. “You can stay as long as you want to.”
“Thanks,” Shura answered.
Rhona smiled. “I’m happy you are here.”
For a moment Shura feared Rhona would add, ‘that’s
what family is for’, the standard paraphrase for
‘not at all’ amongst her relatives, but Rhona did
not.
Family. It was the reason why she was here, imposing on her cousin,
because she knew she’d be accepted here no matter what had
happened. But then, why would she not be able to face her mother?
“Let’s put your bags in the hall for
now.” Rhona walked past her.
The hall, as Shura only remembered when Rhona placed the bag on a low
table in the corridor, was a passage here, not the living area it was
at home.
“The loo is there,” Rhona told her, pointing at one
of the doors leading off the hall, “if you need it.”
“Yes, thanks,” Shura replied, adding her bags to
the one Rhona had carried in. After the ten hours flight, she certainly
needed it.
“Are you hungry?” Rhona asked as Shura headed past
her.
Food. Shura thought that she certainly could do with something to eat
as well. “If it’s not too much trouble.”
Rhona shook her head. “I haven’t had dinner yet
myself.”
Not had dinner? Surprised, Shura turned back to her cousin. It was well
past dinner time here. Rhona did look thinner, she realised only now.
It was over a year since Lucas’ death, but this did not stop
herself from crying over his death still. For Rhona there had not even
been the diversion Anakin had given her.
“Are you alright?” Shura asked.
Rhona gave her a tense smile. “As well as can be
expected,” she replied. “Now go on. Don’t
pee on the floor.”
Shura had to laugh and headed for the toilet. Having relieved her
bladder, she splashed water in her face.
If she had thought that Rhona had lost weight what would Rhona think of
her? She looked at her own reflection and tried to see herself with her
cousin’s eyes. The answer was simple: she looked dreadful.
Pale from spending too much time on space stations and ships, thinner,
but somehow puffed up as well. Shura wondered whether Rhona’s
professional eye would immediately see the problem, too much drink and
not enough food. Her unhealthy looks would be noticeable to Rhona, who
had last seen her a few days after the war had ended, five months ago.
A life-time ago, in a different universe. She had been happy, so happy
that for the time her joy had even eclipsed her grief for Lucas. The
war was over and nobody needed to die anymore. She would not have to
worry about Anakin’s life being in danger every other day.
Shura swallowed hard, splashing more water on her face. Then running
wet fingers through her hair she tried to put it into some sort of
order, but it had grown too long and was standing up in wild tufts and
twirls around her head. She had to have it cut, or perhaps she ought to
let it grow. She had not worn her hair longer than this since before
she joined the navy.
She felt still far from presentable when she emerged from the bathroom,
nervous as well what Rhona would say next.
You wanted to come here, she told herself as she walked back to the
kitchen, so you better face what she has to tell you.
Rhona was already busy frying something, onions and garlic from the
smell of it.
“Do you want to chop some tomatoes?” she asked.
“I’d love to,” Shura said without
exaggeration. Standing here in Rhona’s well-equipped kitchen
- Rhona had offered her a chair but after the long flight she was glad
to be standing - Shura enjoyed cutting the tomatoes more than some
people would think was sensible. But it was good to do something
normal, be useful to somebody, if only by helping with the cooking.
“Wine?” Rhona wanted to know, but she already
handed Shura a glass of white wine with a faint green tinge, Araia
probably.
“Thanks,” Shura answered, accepting the glass
gladly. A small sip confirmed that it was Araia wine. Fine wine from
Aunt Marja’s estates.
She knew she should not drink, but if she refused a simple glass of
wine, Rhona would surely guess the reason behind it, and she just did
not want to talk about her pregnancy now. Not when the mood had lifted,
when she herself felt at ease here.
Rhona set her own chopping board on the table opposite
Shura’s and set to slicing peppers.
“Have you heard that Uncle Niri has finally separated from
his wife?” Rhona wanted to know and with this set the tone of
the conversation.
The time it took to cook as well during dinner itself, their
conversation stayed on light topics. First there was the catching up
with the family news that occupied them, then they reminisced about
their childhood, a time long past, safely distant. Only a very small,
petulant voice inside Shura complained, longed for Rhona to ask,
‘where have you been? Why did you run off?’ But
Shura told herself off. Her cousin had to come to terms with her
presence as well, with all the memories of Lucas’ she brought
with her.
So, Shura enjoyed her dinner – some kind of bird in a
delicious spicy sauce, served with flat bread – as she hardly
remembered enjoying any food for a long time. She ate until her stomach
felt almost fit to burst. Rhona, she noticed with relief, ate just as
hungrily as herself.
Her visit, Shura thought, may do some good to Rhona too. She hoped so
at least.
After dinner, they moved out to the front porch. The sea was only a few
hundred yards away, the sound of the waves lapping against the beach
was clearly audible in the quiet of the night, otherwise only
interrupted by small animal noises and the rustling of the leaves of
the great yasimi trees. The next human being seemed to be on the
islands across the sea. Lights glittered across the waves.
Rhona pointed out where the larger settlements were and where there
were gaps between the small islands. Only behind the string of isles
the real ocean began and two hundred kilometers further was Rogera
Island where Aunt Marja lived.
Sitting on the low wooden chair next to Rhona, Shura felt at peace. She
cradled the glass of wine - only her second, she thought with grim
satisfaction - and listened.
“The green light there,” Rhona said, pointing to a
tiny green light in the middle of a patch of darkness.
“It’s a navigational light for ships.
There’s a tiny island nobody lives on, wonderful for
picnics.”
Rhona probably been there with Lucas on one of his visits. Shura
wondered what it felt like to look out there and remember the happiness
of the past. It must be painful, though perhaps the fact that Rhona saw
it every day made it so normal she did not think of Lucas at all.
“I sometimes wonder…,” Rhona began, but
let the sentence trail off unfinished.
Shura sipped her wine and waited. It would do no good to try to nudge
Rhona into talking about Lucas, if that what she was wondering about,
and Shura could not be at all certain about that. Perhaps Rhona was
wondering only whether Shura was interested in picnicking on a small
uninhabited island, or whether she was thinking if any ships had every
been shipwrecked there despite the signalling light.
Rhona stood up abruptly. “I get some nibbles,” she
explained, “I think we should have something to eat with the
wine.”
Shura was about to say that she still felt completely stuffed from
dinner, but Rhona had already fled back into the house. She was upset,
for sure.
“Great,” Shura muttered to herself and finished off
her glass of wine, refilling it from the bottle Rhona had brought out
to the porch.
Rhona was probably cursing her visitor’s presence here right
now. There she had been, minding her own business and in drops a
distant relatives bringing back all sorts of unwanted memories.
But if Rhona was angry or upset, she did not show it when she returned
to the porch. “Yasimi nuts, from my own trees,” she
said putting down two bowls, “and fried yokra, Aunt
Marja’s, of course. And I brought another bottle.”
“You’re spoiling me,” Shura told her.
Yokra, she thought, it must be three years since she had eaten some of
these spicy fruits.
“Least I can do,” Rhona said.
For a while they sat again in silence, munching nuts and yokra slices.
The darkness was by now complete, and the wind had died down almost
completely. Perhaps, they could just spend the evening in companionable
silence. But it would not be that companionable, they’d both
be thinking of the past, of what was lost to them.
Rhona sighed and turned to Shura. “Sitting here with you, I
wonder,” Rhona started again, “I cannot help
wondering how things would have turned out, if Lucas hadn’t
died. Would he have liked it here? Would he not have thought this all
terrible boring?”
“Hm,” Shura made. Of course it would be easy to
say, ‘of course, he would have liked it’, but that
would be too simple an answer. She all too vividly remembered Lucas
complaints about the lack of bars and shops. The same aspects that had
made this place so inviting to her had made it unattractive to Lucas:
its isolation.
“I don’t know, really,” she replied
finally. “I think he would. As happy as he could have been at
any one place. I mean, I cannot really imagine him settling down
somewhere, not only because of his profession, it just was not his
thing. He’d be happy to come here, make his home here, as
much as he ever had something like a home, but he would not be here all
the year round, but I guess you know that - don’t
you?”
She looked at Rhona, who stared out into the night. Her face looked
drawn, but perhaps it was just the dim light that made her look that
way.
“I guess I do,” Rhona answered. “And my
head understands and accepts it, but I don’t know whether my
heart would have been able to cope with it.”
“My father was not at home for long periods of time
either,” Shura explained, “but it did not mean we
were less of a family or that my parents’ marriage
wasn’t working out. - Otherwise I hardly would have as many
siblings as I do.”
“I know,” Rhona said. “With me, us, my
family, my father and my mother were there all the time. They were
working the farm together. I cannot imagine how it would be like with
one parent away all the time. I hated it when my mother or my father
were away visiting or on business even for a week or so.”
“Really?” Shura was surprised. To her it sounded
awfully restrictive, boring. “I guess it’s just
what you’re used to. And we, Lucas and I, were very itinerant
kids as well. We went to, Gods, how many was it? Sixteen schools. And
since then, neither of us ever were at a place for more than a year or
so.”
“That must be very odd,” Rhona said. “You
know this is the third place I ever lived in. First my
parents’, then medical school, now my own home.
That’s it. Lucas must have thought me very dull.”
“No, no,” Shura replied, “being dull or
not has nothing to do with in how many places one has lived. Rhona, you
must never think that. He really loved you. Ok, he may not have thought
this was the most fascinating place in the
universe, but you were here and that was enough.
To come back to your question whether things would have turned out
alright if Lucas had not died. I am sure they would have. Somehow you
would have managed to get to an arrangement. If you love somebody, you
have to accept him as he is and let him be himself.”
Shura stopped herself and gulped down some more wine. What was she
talking about, for goodness sake? Accept a person the way he was? Had she
managed to do that?
“Why are we talking about this?” Rhona exclaimed
suddenly. “Lucas is dead. There is no reason why I should
worry about what might have been.”
“And who am I to give you advice on how to have a successful
relationship?” Shura returned. “Me! Who first drove
her husband to drink and then to fly his c-wing into a
building.”
Suddenly she felt like bursting into hysterics, laughing or weeping she
was not sure, but she had the impression if she let go she’d
never be able to stop. So instead she finished her glass and with a
slightly shaking hand refilled it.
“Not literally, of course,” she
continued,” at least the part about the flying into a
building, but I did drive him to drink - on occasion. As he did drive
me to drink on occasion. I guess it was a mutual thing. And quite often
we’d do it together. Drink”
“What happened?” Rhona asked. “I have
seen the news of course, just like everybody else has.”
“I haven’t,” Shura said, “not
since the day after the accident.”
“You haven’t?” Rhona looked shocked.
“Then you haven’t heard…”
“He didn’t die, did he?” Shura
interrupted her. For a moment she felt as if her heart would stop. She
hadn’t thought even of the possibility Anakin might die. She
had been sure she would have somehow known if it
happened. What if he was dead? What then?
“No, he hasn’t,” Rhona answered, and
Shura was able to draw breath again.
She hadn’t thought that she’d still care so much
for Anakin. That the mere thought of Anakin dying would affect her so
badly. She put the glass down, afraid she still might drop it, with her
hands were shaking as hard as they did. She quickly folded them, trying
to stop the shaking.
“At least I think he is still alive,” Rhona
continued. “At first there were reports on his condition on
every news bulletin, but then other things happened. The massacre on
Rexus IX has certainly put people’s minds on other things.
But, no, they’d mentioned it if he had died.”
Shura nodded. “I guess they would.”
She breathed in deeply and tried to calm her heart that seemed to be
running at double speed. Anakin was still alive. Thank all the Gods.
“What I meant was, that you hadn’t heard the
rumours, the weird and nasty stories that have started to surround the
events,” Rhona explained. “With Anakin in a coma
and both you and that Kenobi person having gone awol, nobody who really
knew what had happened was available and so people made up the whys and
hows.”
Shura frowned. “What is there to explain? Anakin and I
separated, we fought, he got drunk and after a fight with his former
teacher crashed his c-wing. That’s all there is to
it.”
“Yes, that’s the course of events as they were
pieced together,” Rhona said, “but nobody can
understand the whys, Shura. Why did you leave Anakin? Why
didn’t you tell anybody? Why did Anakin fight with Kenobi?
And why did you run? Why, Shura?”
Shura heaved a big sigh. Why, indeed. If only she had simple answers to
these questions, but there weren’t any.
“We want to know,” Rhona continued, “I,
your family, the public. Everybody wants to know why this happened. We,
your family, worry about you, the public is mostly merely curious. It
is not every day that a person of Anakin’s position is
involved in an accident as spectacular as this one. And then you just
vanish. Conspiracy theories abound about this.” Rhona paused
to catch her breath. “At the moment I guess the odds are even
between the one theory where you had an affair with this Kenobi fellow
and ran off with him and the one where he first blackmailed you into
leaving Anakin and has then abducted you to keep you quiet.”
“Me have an affair with Kenobi!” Shura exclaimed,
shuddering at the mere thought. “This is the most ridiculous
idea I heard in years! I’d rather die than touch that
man.”
“Possibly,” Rhona agreed. “But do you
know what your mother said when she first heard that you had left
Anakin? She said that it was the most outlandish lie she had heard in
her entire life. We all couldn’t believe it. You were so
happy. Goddess, Shura, you two were the happiest couple I ever met. Why
did you leave him?” Rhona asked again insistent.
“And as far as I can tell it was you leaving him. You did not
merely separate, you walked out on him.”
Shura looked at her cousin.
Rhona literally sat at the edge of her chair. She looked tense and
hurt. Shura wanted to tell her that she did not want to discuss this,
that it was none of Rhona’s business, but by coming here,
Shura knew, she had made it Rhona’s business.
“First, yes, I did leave Anakin,” Shura started,
“I moved out. I told him not to look for me, and he did
not.” She picked her glass up again and after a sip,
continued. “As to why I left him. Oh, Gods, I have been
asking myself the same question for the last two weeks, and I really
don’t know anymore. It all seemed to be perfectly reasonable
and right at the time, but not now. I am afraid I
was just being stupid. We were fighting a lot, yes, about his work, and
my work, about his drinking, about so many silly things. I
didn’t like him spending so much time with Palpatine. I never
liked the man, and he can’t stand me. There were about five
days when we got along. Just when he helped Anakin to leave the damned
Order. But I didn’t like the way Palpatine used Anakin to
attack the jedi. He didn’t give a damn about what the enquiry
cost Anakin, both professionally and personally. And the entire New
Forces in my opinion are just Palpatine’s way to gain control
of the armed forces in general and of Anakin in particular. And, yes, I
was jealous that he able to give Anakin’s life a purpose
again after the war was over. Something I couldn’t
do.” She looked at Rhona. “Does that make sense at
all?”
Rhona nodded. “Yes, it does.”
Shura sighed. “Some years ago, Anakin told me the story
Senator Palpatine had told him about the end of his marriage. He and
his wife had lived separate lives for a long time, but it
wasn’t the strain of his long absences that ended their
marriage. It was when he came to live with his family. The change of
circumstances. And at some point he asked Anakin whether he thought our
marriage, Anakin’s and mine, would survive the end of the
war. And I made his prediction come true.”
Shura looked down at her half-empty glass, furious with herself, with
Senator Palpatine for the influence he had on Anakin. Palpatine
probably had been celebrating when he heard from Anakin that his wife
had abandoned him. Though, Shura realised only now, Anakin seemed to
have kept quiet about this as well. Otherwise the media had not been
surprised when their separation had been made public after the
accident.
“Why didn’t you tell anybody about your
problems?” Rhona wanted to know.
“I thought I had to work this out by myself,” Shura
replied. “I thought at first, it would pass. We would get
used to the war being over.” She looked at her cousin, whose
eyes were still fixed on her. “You know, I never thought it
would be difficult getting used to peace. It seems kind of silly, but
it was hard. It still is. During the war, we had a purpose. Our lives
were so busy we had hardly time to think. But now? Everything was
different. You know one of the things that really started to tick me
off right after the war? Laundry. Clothes in general. At the end of the
war, I was waited upon hand and foot. I didn’t have to do my
laundry. I was never out of uniform - except in bed. Then…
Stupid, I know. But I wanted to adjust. I did not want to spend the
rest of my days, running around in my old uniform and tell everybody
about the glory days when I was a great admiral.”
“And Anakin?” Rhona asked.
“Oh, Anakin had his new job with the New Forces,”
Shura replied. “And the crusade against the jedi, of
course.” She laughed bitterly. “As I said, I am
jealous. But he also had his problems getting used to the new
situation.”
“What kind of problems?” Rhona wanted to know.
“Well, it is one thing to be an officer in an army at war,
it’s quite another to be the head of an army at peace trying
to reorganise it and down-size it. I know. I was doing something
similar in the regular forces. And being a Field Marshal does not stop
you from being frustrated with the lack of progress or give you more
patience with the petty squabbles you find you spend most of your time
trying to sort out. Additionally he had a hostile Jedi Order to live
with, and a nagging wife at home.”
“And a Senator-friend who did not understand, or perhaps did
not care about his problems and pushed him to breaking point,
hm?” Rhona suggested. “To be honest, from what you
say, it seems that this Senator Palpatine would be extremely happy if
your marriage failed. You said he wanted to gain control over Anakin
and this he could only do by getting you out of the picture, right?
What does Palpatine want from Anakin, Shura. Do you know?”
“He wants to destroy the Jedi Order,” Shura said.
“And I mean destroy, not cut it down to size, but wipe it
out. Completely and utterly.”
“Why?” Rhona wanted to know.
“I don’t know why, but that’s what he
wants,” Shura stated. “And I am sure
that’s what he’s going to get.”
Shura finished her wine and pouring herself another, topping up
Rhona’s as well. She had a brief pang of bad conscience about
breaking her good intentions about not drinking once again. This would
not be the right moment to break to Rhona another reason of why she
left Anakin. Her pregnancy was better kept out of this discussion for
now. They were on the best way to get thoroughly drunk and dammit,
Shura thought, she needed it, and Rhona needed it too.
“You know,” Rhona said, “one of the odd
rumours that have spread is that you and Senator Palpatine had an
affair.”
“Me and Palpatine?” Shura had to laugh at the
thought. “Is there anybody that was not under discussion as
to having an affair with me? And how does Kenobi come into this
scenario?”
“I think it was suggested that he told Anakin about it, and
Anakin lost it completely.” Rhona explained. “As I
said it is one of the odder theories.”
“I don’t know, me having an affair with Kenobi
seems to be just as absurd. Gods, what a hideous thought. Just as bad
as having an affair with Palpatine. – Though come to think of
it, I’d rather have an affair with Palpatine. At least it
would not make me physically sick. Definitely, if I had to have an
affair with either of them, it’d be Palpatine.”
Shura paused. This was rapidly becoming a really silly conversation.
These theories Rhona mentioned did come as a surprise. Somehow she had
not really expected people, the media to speculate about her having
affairs with Anakin’s friends - or former friends.
Kenobi. Gods damn him.
“The sad thing is,” Shura said, “I did
talk about my problems and Anakin’s with somebody. I just
picked the single worst person I could.”
“Kenobi,” Rhona stated.
Shura nodded. “Yes, Kenobi. It seemed to me the best thing I
could do. He knows Anakin, he was there on Chardri, I could just go
there. I knew he would not tell Anakin. I didn’t trust him
and I was sure I would not take his advice. Particularly, if he
suggested, as I expected he would, that I ought to leave him. In a way,
I think I was trying to have myself talked out of it. But of course
just the opposite happened. I hadn’t seen him for - since
just after Lucas was killed. He was surprised that I showed up, and he
–,” Shura had to pause to swallow down the tears
that suddenly were threatening to overcome her. “He said all
the right things. He said he was sorry about what happened to father
and Lucas. He said he had been wrong in stopping
Anakin then. He had never before admitted to that, as far as I know.
And he just seemed to understand why I was having these doubts about
our relationship, Anakin’s and mine. He said I was right to
be worried about Anakin’s power, the way he used of the
force. Without proper training Anakin was losing control of it. Kenobi
told me, I was right to worry about Anakin’s violent
behaviour. Sooner or later he would also turn against me. Kenobi said
he had seen it before. He said I had every reason to be
afraid.”
“You were afraid of Anakin?” Rhona asked,
incredulous.
“Yes, I was. It may be stupid, but it certainly did not feel
that way then.”
“Do you think, Kenobi used…,” Rhona
started, but Shura shook her head. “No, he didn’t
use his power to suggest these things to me. He knew that I would
notice if he did. You learn that living with a jedi. – And
no, Anakin did not use his powers in that way on me either.”
“But then…,” Rhona started again.
“Oh, Rhona,” Shura said, “you
don’t know how it was. Anakin was never a patient man, and he
did do things that were not nice. He was violent, increasingly so. He
almost killed one of his aides a few weeks ago. Not on purpose, but
nevertheless. He was in a temper, and pushed the poor man down the
stairs. I guess nobody would have been particularly freaked out about
this if he hadn’t used the force to push the man. And that
was not the only incident. But what I should have remembered, he never
ever lifted a finger against me. Never. He never hurt me, and he never
would have. I did, on the other hand, hurt him.”
“You mean, you …” Rhona began.
“I broke his nose once.” Shura explained.
“You broke his nose?” Rhona sounded shocked.
“It was just after Lucas died, when he told me he would go
back to the jedi,” Shura said. “I was so angry. I
punched him, hard. Well, hard enough to break his nose. He
didn’t fight back or even tried to stop me. How could I ever
think he would hurt me? I didn’t know then that he had to go
back because of the Nomana business. He hadn’t told me. He
told Palpatine, damn him. But then, Palpatine was able to provide
Anakin with a lawyer who got him off scott free.”
“Hm,” Rhona made.
For a long while they sat in silence, staring out into the darkness.
Rhona probably had to think this over. It was a lot to take in, Shura
thought. Rhona hadn’t known that much about her illustrious
cousin, after all, or about Anakin. All she had ever seen of her, was
when Shura had been on vacation on Tressilia, and the few times she had
visited Lucas and also bumped into Shura and Anakin. Rhona had never
seen them fight, or Anakin in one of his moods, poking holes in his
hand, for example. No wonder she thought Anakin and Shura had been the
perfect couple. And they had been happy - most of the time anyway.
“I made such a mess of things,” Shura continued.
“Yes, things were not all running smoothly and happily, but
they never do. All I wanted was to get a break, some breathing space to
think. I should have just left him. I should have taken some time off,
visit mum. That would have given me the time and space to do that
without braking up our marriage. Perhaps if I had
…” She broke off, and shook her head.
“It’s no use talking about what I should have done
now. It’s too late. Now, it’s too late.”
“You could go to Alma Serena,” Rhona suggested.
Shura shook her head again. “I can’t.
It’s too late.”
There was a part of her who wanted to go to Alma Serena, wanted to make
it up with Anakin, wanted that everything to be alright again, but it
just wasn’t possible. Too much had happened, and in the end
she was to blame for the fact that he was there on Alma Serena, in
hospital, in the Gods only knew what shape. She couldn’t just
waltz in and play the caring, worried wife. She had walked out on him,
she had told him about her conversation with Kenobi. She should have
known he would take the fight to Kenobi. Anakin might never hurt her,
but she should have known that he had no such compunction about his
former teacher. And the state he had been in it was a small wonder he
had come out of the fight alive at all.
“It’s my fault,” Shura said.
“It’s all my fault. I was so stupid and egoistic. I
shouldn’t have left him, I…” Shura heard
her voice start to shake, she felt the tears rise to her eyes and
thought that she should stop now, but somehow she couldn’t.
“I am to blame for his accident. I told him about me visiting
Kenobi and he went there and almost got himself killed. I am just as
responsible as if I had done it myself. And saying I am sorry just
won’t make it good again. And I miss him so badly.”
Rhona walked over to her, and perching on the arm of Shura’s
chair, put her arms around her. “It’s
ok,” she said soothingly, “I’m
here.”
Of course, Shura thought, it wasn’t ok at all, but she felt
comforted. Rhona held her and said meaningless little things to her.
But it was a relief to cry in somebody’s arms, Shura thought,
better then all the bitter tears she had cried alone. And she had
thought she was done with crying.
After what seemed to her a long time, her tears ebbed away. Shura
stayed silent until her breathing had calmed down and she was sure she
could talk again.
“I am sorry,” she said. “I
didn’t mean to play the fountain.”
“That’s alright,” Rhona replied. She
pulled out of the embrace and wiped Shura’s face with the
edge of her gown. “That’s what family is for, after
all.”
“I know,” Shura said.
Family, she thought. They accept you as
you are, with all your flaws, and that’s how a good wife
ought to be too. And that’s what you couldn’t do.
“It’s late, and we should be going to bed, but I
doubt I could sleep just now.” Rhona stood up. “We
should sit out there on the ground and look at the stars. Talk about
trivial things.”
Shura looked out at the stars glittering in the dark sky. She knew many
of them by name, even though they were different from the ones
she’d see at her mother’s place.
“I guess looking at the stars for you does not mean the same
to you as it does to me. I could tell you about half a dozen battles I
fought up there, most of them with Anakin.”
“Oh,” Rhona made. “I guess we should
forego the star-gazing then, and just talk about unimportant
things.”
“Like what?” Shura wanted to know.
Rhona frowned. She retrieved her glass of wine and sat on the floor in
front of Shura’s chair.
“Fairy-tales,” she said. “What was your
favourite fairy-tale as a child? Mine was ‘The Fish who
flew’. Do you know that?”
“No.” Shura slid out of her chair and sat on the
floor as well.
“Good, then I can tell you.”
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