“‘Whatever
fate awaits us, I am not afraid as long as I am by your side.’
“I clasped her slender body to my chest. My beloved princess,
the incomparable Nuya, Princess of Rubidium. I had to fight for many
yads to gain her love, but now she had given it, she had given it to me
completely. There was no hesitation or any sign of weakness that so
often prevents women to follow their heart.
“‘Beloved Nuya,’ said I,
‘Whatever fate will throw at us, together we will master
it.’”
Qar stopped her reading, and Anakin knew she sipped her tea. He had
never expected that a simple act like drinking tea would be enough to
raise the most violent feeling of envy in him. She was able to drink
tea and he was not and would never be again. The feeling of envy was
followed by one of anger with himself. So, he couldn’t drink
tea, tough luck. He bloody well better get used to others doing things
he could not, otherwise he would be such intolerable company that
nobody would ever visit him.
“You know what I don’t understand,” Qar
stated now, “why the hero of the story never falls in love
with the plucky little maidservant who actually helps him and is nice
to him. No, he always falls for the stupid - well, perhaps not stupid -
for the stuck-up, too full of herself princess who despises him because
he’s a commoner.”
Anakin had broken her out of the habit of just sighing volubly or
muttering under her breath if she got annoyed with the book. Now she
was venting her irritation loudly.
“No matter that she finally falls in love with him. She still
thinks she is better than the rest of the world. It’s as if
some normal person fell in love with one of those stupid Jedi bitches
and then they figure out that he’s actually a Jedi, too, and
so she falls for him. That still makes her think she’s
greater then the rest of the population of the universe, it’s
just that her loverboy now is in the club.”
Qar took another sip of tea, and continued reading. “Still
holding the princess close to my heart I searched for an escape from
the chamber of death.”
She did not expect him to comment on her outbursts, if he did she was
happy, if he did not she just read on.
“My hand felt along the uneven stones of the wall, searching
for an opening, a way to escape the gruesome death awaiting me and the
Princess. Alone I would have laughed in the face of death, but I could
not but shiver with terror at the thought of her beautiful body being
torn to ribbons by the claws of the lanthans who were about to be
released into the chamber.”
Since the appearance of the Warrior Princess Lo cin Sinerrah in the
sixteenth chapter of the book, Qar had grown a lot more interested in
the story, despite the fact that Pathe Warrick and therefore the hero
of the tale did not appreciate women fighting out of ambition. By
Chapter 23 - the chapter Qar was reading now, in which Safad Haad and
his princess were once more caught in the chamber of death - Lo had
been deposed by her treacherous cousin Ro and had joined forces with
the Warlord of Warhoon.
“Is Lo going to save them?” Qar asked.
“You just have to read on,” Anakin told her.
“I bet she will,” Qar said, “she was not
captured with them, so she can come and rescue the stupid Warlord and
his stupid, simpering Princess.” She cleared her throat and
continued reading. “We had crossed ten or eleven
sids…”
Warrior Princess Lo was not going to safe them, Anakin knew. She was
languishing in the same dungeons and would have to be saved by Safad
Haad. Anakin did agree with Qar that Princess Lo was a fascinating
character and the chapters of the trilogy which had her fighting
alongside the Warlord were certainly the some of the most entertaining
parts. Anakin had not had the heart to tell Qar yet that though Lo
would regain the throne of Losserath she would be killed at the end of
book two. But worse was to come. She was succeeded on the throne by her
young son, Eyser, who was described as being a precocious child, but
was in fact a truly irritating character. Young Eyser was the reason
why Anakin had not read the third volume as often as the first two.
“‘My love,’ Nuya whispered in my ear, her
voice trembling with fear.”
Anakin listened absent-mindedly to Qar’s voice, his thoughts
still on the later part of the trilogy. The fact that Eyser was based
on Pathick’s own son, Resey, a factoid that Lucas had once
told him, only made matters worse.
Lucas had also told him that Young Eyser was actually introduced when
the publishers had discovered that a third of the readers where under
twelve. They had hoped that a major character of that was their age
would give them somebody to relate to.
“I grabbed the monstrous animal by the ears, and it let out a
terrified howl.”
However, the strategy seemed to have failed. Anakin had once discussed
the ‘Warlord of Warhoon’ books with
Nevoy’s seven-year-old son, Laram, who he had certainly not
been impressed. In fact, Laram had called Eyser a stupid, pompous
idiot, which coming from him was pretty harsh criticism.
Yolanda had been more outspoken and stated that Princess Lo should have
strangled the brat at birth.
“I had discovered the way to tame those fierce creatures. -
By all the hells,” Qar interrupted her reading. “In
all the thousands of years before Safad Haad, nobody ever tried to pull
a lathan’s ears?”
“Apparently not,” Anakin replied.
“Apparently not,” Qar sighed. “But then
everybody on Warhoon seems to be slightly dimwitted.”
“Even the plucky little servant girl,” Anakin said,
remembering only then, that the maidservant’s heroic but
pointless death was in book two.
“What?” Qar asked.
“Book two, chapter 4,” Anakin replied,
“you will find out when we get there.”
“How often have you read this?”she wanted to know
“I don’t know, quite often.”
“I have to say I still don’t like it,
really,” Qar said. “It’s kind of
compelling, I want to know what is going to happen, but it’s
also really annoying, and I think once I’m through with it, I
don’t want to read it ever again.”
Anakin did not reply, and after waiting for a while Qar continued her
reading.
He wondered whether they were going to get beyond the death of Warrior
Princess Lo, or whether Qar would be too disgusted. She probably would
continue reading it, if he asked her to. She regarded it as part of her
duty as his doctor to keep him entertained, to keep his mind off the
horrible situation he was in.
He did wonder whether reading The Warlord of Warhoon was
really a good way to ensure this. The fact that he knew it so well,
knew what would happen, was comforting, but it also meant that he did
not have to pay attention to what she read. He could let his mind drift
and return to listen and know exactly what had happened when he was not
paying attention. Perhaps they should pick something he did not know
almost by heart to stop him from getting depressed about his situation.
But he liked The Warlord of Warhoon. The mental
images of the story unfolding in his mind automatically, pre-fabricated
by his previous readings.
Anakin stared at the ceiling and suppressed a sigh. If he sighed, Qar
would know he was not paying attention and then try to engage him in a
conversation. Sometimes Anakin found it hard not to hate her. Why could
she not leave him alone? Why should he not be morose? He had a right to
be morose, given the circumstances.
But then, he never managed to be angry with her for long, since she was
so obviously determined to help him, and she was funny, and intelligent
and one of the few people around who did not squirm internally with
horror when looking at him as most of the nurses and doctors did. He
tried to ignore their emotions but when they were in such close
proximity it was difficult, sometimes impossible.
Gods, he hated them all.
Now that was an entertaining question, which of the doctors did he hate
most? Not Qar. He hated her intensely on occasion, but most of the
times, he liked her.
Dr Olman tried too hard to please Qar. He obviously had a crush on her.
Anakin felt slightly uneasy in his presence, since they had so
unashamedly used him to get Saint-Martin arrested. Anakin knew as well
as Qar that Saint-Martin had not attempted to kill Anakin with this
force-suppressant drug. It had been a mistake made by a doctor whose
special field was something else and who had been bullied into giving
advice too quickly. When Anakin had told Qar this, after the scared
Saint-Martin had been paraded before him, she had shrugged.
‘He tried to kill you before, so it’s just delayed
justice.’
No, Anakin decided he did not hate Dr Olman or Dr Saint-Martin, for
that matter.
Dr Berberov, now he was a likely candidate. His last operation on
Anakin’s spine may have been a success, but it had left
Anakin in excruciating pain for several days, despite the pain-killers
he got. Moreover, it meant that his neck was fixated again and he could
not move his head any more. All he could do, is stare at the same spot
of ceiling.
Another possibility was Dr Polk. Anakin had only seen her a couple of
times, but when Qar had called Dr Polk in for her expert opinion she
had exuded an aura of annoyed impatience that even Qar had picked up.
She had not made herself more popular to Anakin by her actions. She had
consulted Qar’s notes, looked at his right foot and said.
‘That has to come off.’
“A great roar greeted us, when we entered the balcony.
Cheering people were crowding the square,” Qar read.
So, Safad Haad and his Princess had escaped the dungeons. They still
had to go back and rescue the Warrior Princess.
Anakin glanced at Qar to see whether she noticed he had not paid any
attention. She sat hunched over the book, her mind obviously only on
the story. Whatever she said, she did enjoy the book.
Anakin sighed, very quietly so the steady wheezing of the iron lung
covered the sound. Here he was, a man with one hand and one foot. And
still no replacement of either in sight.
Professor Cagliari had told him, he should be thankful they got the
artificial liver in time. Otherwise he would be dead. Everything else
could wait.
Anakin felt cold anger rise in him. That was the doctor he hated most,
Professor Cagliari. Self-centred, conceited bastard. Behaving as if it
had been his personal achievement that they got the artificial liver
for Anakin. Yes, Cagliari was a capable administrator and had had the
wisdom to put Qar in charge of Anakin’s treatment, but the
professor was increasingly annoyed with all the problems
Anakin’s presence caused his hospital. And with the rising
cost of Anakin’s treatment.
What’s the point of buying a prosthetic foot for somebody who
will never walk again, Cagliari had thought so loudly that Anakin had
for a moment thought he had actually said it. Only the look of absolute
fury on Qar’s face had stopped him from lashing out with the
force. Somehow Qar’s anger had calmed him down.
‘We will see about that’, he had said, showing more
confidence in his recovery than he felt.
The shock on Professor Cagliari’s face, when he realised that
Anakin had replied to his thoughts, had been most satisfying.
The bitter fact remained that he would not walk again. Not only because
he was now lacking a foot, but because his spine was too badly damaged.
Even Qar had admitted that she could not think of a way to get him back
on his feet again - ever.
And then, Cagliari had told Anakin, he should be happy he was still
alive and count his blessings.
Counting his blessings did not take all that long. He was alive, he
would, probably, regain the use of his arms and hands - if they ever
got round to giving him the long promised artificial hand. He had Qar,
who worked tirelessly to make him better and in between tried to keep
him entertained. There was Diam who visited him and brought him
presents. And that was it.
Counting his misfortunes had him come up with a much, much longer list.
Just thinking of all the things he would never be able to do again
could keep him occupied for hours:
He would never kiss his wife again, tasting of chocolate liqueur as she
had that day on Astatin. He would never again wake up from a dream of
being strangled to find that it was the weight of Shura’s arm
across his neck that had caused the nightmare. He would never argue
with her or watch her eat those gooey, sugar overloaded chocolate
puddings she liked so much. He would never see her turn away from her
work to give him that small mischievous grin that seemed to say
‘you just wait’. She would never again unbutton his
uniform jacket or shout at him in her best barracks voice which she
normally used to make the soldiers in her command quiver ‘Get
your clothes off this second.’ He would never sleep with her
again - or anybody else for that matter.
Anakin sighed again and quickly glanced at Qar, but she was still too
wrapped up in the story to notice.
“I drew my sword, and shouting my challenge at the guards,
charged them,” she read.
Still Chapter 23, and they were still in the dungeons of Zyberium.
Anakin thought of his own sword, his light-saber, and was about to ask
Qar whether she had seen it among his belongings, when he remembered
that he had left it behind when he fled Kenobi’s flat. His
light-saber and his hand.
The memory of Kenobi’s light-saber slicing through his wrist
came back to him with startling clarity. He had never thought it would
hurt so damned much. He also had never thought he would ever be so
terrified as he had been that moment when he knelt on the floor,
cradling his severed wrist and staring Kenobi’s raised
light-saber, the fury in his former teacher’s face. It had
been like looking death in the eye.
What had Kenobi done with his lightsaber, Anakin wondered, and his
hand. Thrown them in the waste-disposal? Or dropped them off in space
somewhere?
At least, Anakin thought, Kenobi was on the run, too. He had gone into
hiding the very next day. Which meant he would not have had time to
take more than a few of his priced possession with him. What had been
left of them after the duel in his living room in the first place.
Perhaps knowing that Kenobi was in hiding somewhere could be counted as
a blessing, too.
Still, Anakin would much rather have his hand back. Hands were
wonderful things and as with so many wonderful things, Anakin thought,
one only appreciates them when they are gone. There were so many things
one could use a hand for: opening beer bottles, brush teeth, write
letters, switch on holo-pads, hold books, hold hands, hold a fork to
eat, hold the steering rod of a ship.
They told him he would get a prosthetic hand. But even if this promise
was ever realised and even if in time he would get back the use of his
hands, he still would not be able to do most of these things. Why open
a beer bottle, if you cannot drink the beer because your stomach is not
working.
He would be able to switch on a holo-pad, and he just could imagine
himself spending the rest of his life watching holo-soaps, news,
holo-films. Watching other people’s lives because he did not
have a life any longer.
The door to his room opened, and nurse Georgeson popped his head in.
“Dr Hadasht.” He interrupting her reading just as
Safad Haad was about to break into the cell where Warrior Princess Lo
was held.
“Yes,” Qar said, turning around.
“There’s a call for you at the office,”
Georgeson explained.
“Who is it?” Qar asked.
Georgeson shot a quick glance at Anakin and said, “I
don’t know.” He withdrew his head before Qar could
ask any further.
Goergeson did know, but he did not want Anakin to know. Anakin looked
at Qar, who frowned at the open door. He wished they would not try to
protect him from unpsetting news. Who on earth could call that they did
not want him to know about?
“I’ll be right back,” Qar stated, and
still clasping the book, walked out of the room.
The only news that could really upset him would be of Shura’s
death. And he knew she was still alive and well. Since he had regained
the full control over his abilities, he could sense her presence. It
was a vague feeling, distant and ill-defined, but it was there all the
time. Once he had tried to reach her, find out where she was and what
she was going, but he had not been able to get closer to her. Her
presence seemed to recede as he pursued it. She did not want him to
find her.
Shura. Why did his thoughts always circle back to her? It
wasn’t as if his life had consisted only of her. There had
been more, his job as a pilot and then as a commanding officer, his
friends, even his abbreviated career as a jedi.
Of course, just as he had lost Shura, he had lost all of these as well.
He had lost his command, his friends were either dead or had better
things to do than visit him, and his training as a jedi had been a
waste of time and in the end had brought him here.
Anakin blinked as tears started to rise in his eyes. He felt disgusted
with himself, dissolving again in self-pity. He should stop this train
of thought right here and think of something else, even if it were
different endings for The Warlord of Warhoon. Qar
would certainly enjoy discussing possibilities of saving Warrior
Princess Lo’s life.
No, she would not, since Lo’s death was still another volume
and a half away.
Anakin thought of the time it would take Qar to finish the first book
and read all of the second and it was just too long. Too much time, too
many operations, too many hours spend lying in bed, staring at the
ceiling and knowing this was it, the rest of his life.
He knew that he would never ever take a bath again, be submersed in hot
water, never go swimming in the sea again, never sit in a bar and drink
with his friends, never fly a space ship again, never stare at the
stars and wonder where he had been before, never eat dinner, never
drink beer, never feel snow, ride on a bilty, run down a hallway, have
sex, sleep on his stomach, have a hangover, stand at attention, sit on
the floor, get undressed, shout at incompetent soldiers, have a shower,
chew gum, and he would never smell anything else but this hideous
machine smell of his breathing apparatus.
Never ever again.
He would spend the rest of his life, flat on his back in a hospital
bed, listen to the obnoxious wheezing of the iron lung, stare at the
ceiling and wait for somebody to come and entertain him.
This wasn’t life, it was not even a travesty of life, it was
like being dead and buried while still conscious. And this would go on
for years if not decades. And how long would anybody actually come to
visit him? Qar would move on to a different patient, Diam would be too
busy with his job, and then he’d be here all alone.
He could only hope that one day one of his vital organs would finally
cease working and kill him. The problem was, they already had stopped
working and he was still alive. These bloody machines kept him alive.
They would do so forever. Every now and then, one of them would have to
be fixed or replaced. Should any of his organs get any worse, they
would remove or replace it, and he would still be here, stuck in this
bed. Would he die at all with all these machines keeping his body
alive? Wouldn’t he still lie here in eighty years time?
Everybody he knew would be dead then, the war and its heroes only a dim
memory. Nobody would visit him. Every few days a nurse would check his
infusions. And he could stare at the ceiling and only the change of
light would tell him that day after day went by.
Perhaps, if he was lucky, he would go insane.
Listening to this gods-damned iron lung would probably drive him out of
his mind. Anger rose in Anakin, anger at this horrid machine with its
constant, regular wheezing. He ought to throw something at it, use the
force to ….
Suddenly, Anakin felt calm again, calm and determined.
If he had to spend the rest of his life here, crippled and bed-bound,
he would make sure the rest of his life was very short.
He felt a little bit foolish that he had not thought of it before. The
one thing that he had recovered was his control over the force and he
would use it to end this abominable farce that his life had become. And
he would do it now.
Anakin closed his eyes and took stock of his surroundings. The machines
were working, the iron lung wheezing, Qar, he sensed was still in the
doctors’ office, talking with somebody. He felt a brief pang
of guilt for not having thanked her for her all she had done for him,
tried to do for him, but it could not be helped.
Diam would be angry. Not least of all about the artificial liver he had
spend so much time and money to acquire.
Anakin thought that he ought to have killed himself before they had had
the time to waste an artificial liver on this wreck of a body.
All he needed to do, was shut down these bloody machines. His body had
stopped working anyway, and soon he would be finally and blissfully
dead.
The life-support machines were covered in dials and buttons, none of
which Anakin had ever seen. To find out what they were doing would take
too long, Qar would be back soon.
Anakin felt along the cables that connected the array of machinery to
the sockets in the wall, and one by one he yanked the plugs out.
He could feel one machine after the other stopping, the monitor of his
brain activities, the dialysis, the heart monitor, the machine
controlling the infusions given to him, a computer which purpose he did
not know, and, at last, the iron lung.
There was a last elongated wheeze and then silence.
Anakin felt like saying ‘thank the Gods’, but
without the machine to move the air through his lungs he could not
speak. But it did not matter anymore.
He lay in his bed and enjoyed the silence. No bloody iron lung, no
bloody machines, and not a single small sound his own body made. His
body was dead already.
After a moment a strange, constricted sensation crept into his body, up
his throat and into his nose. Some part of him must be urging him to
breathe, but he could not, would not.
Holding his eyes firmly closed, he felt a odd dizziness, as his brain
was slowly dying of oxygen deprivation.
Then the door opened and Qar came back in. “Here I
am…,” she began and stopped at once.
Anakin wished he had enough energy or concentration to feel what she
was thinking, but everything began to be blurry. He could hear her
scream. The sound seemed to recede, like the noise of a ship roaring
away into the distance.
A strange elation overcame Anakin. He had made it. He was finally
going to die.
With a loud, unpleasant sucking noise the iron lung started again.
He felt a hard thud as his heart began beating.
The constant murmur of blood running through his veins started again,
audible to him after the silence.
There was a tapping noise from somewhere to his left and Qar said,
right into his ear. “What was that about?”
Anakin opened his eyes and stared at her face.
For a moment he was speechless, not only because his body was still
recovering from the brief moment it had stopped living and his brain
was still foggy, but also because he could not believe the sheer
stupidity of the question.
Anger welled up in him. ‘What was that
about?’ How could she ask such a question? Of all
the people, Qar should know how horrible and hopeless his situation
was. But she looked as if she had no idea of what had happened to make
the machines stop.
He wanted to lash out at her, release at her the terrible anger and
despair and make her feel what it was like to be stuck in this wrecked
body. He wanted her to suffer as he did, he wanted to kill her.
No, he corrected himself. He did not want to kill her. He wanted to
kill himself.
And he still could. She would not be able to stop him.
All he had to do was to direct the anger he had wanted to throw against
her at his own body. Shutting his eyes again, he concentrated on the
Force, gathered it to himself, using all the anger at Qar, the despair
about his situation, the frustration and fear.
If anger, despair and fear were the path to the Dark Side as Kenobi had
tried to tell him, Anakin wondered, was committing suicide also
forbidden to a good Jedi?
He felt the force, pulled it into himself and then, instead of throwing
it against Qar, he let it burst out of his body.
An explosion of pain shot through his body and then there was nothing.
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