Sir,
It is our duty and pleasure to report to you the results of our mission to the Seymour Leisure Centre, London, on the 11th and 12th of October, 1997.
The officers named above set out from York at 0700 hours on Saturday 11th October. On arriving at King's Cross we determined the location of the Seymour Leisure Centre and made our way there, finding that, with true Imperial promptness, we had arrived early and that nothing was going on. Therefore, we killed some time at a nearby coffee shop and suitably intimidated the proprietor.
It transpired that the "organisers" of the convention, the so-called Falcon Society, were in fact phenomenally disorganised. We discussed whether it would become necessary to annihilate them. At the time of the convention's opening, it was not yet known whether Ken Colley would be in attendance, due to the unpredictability of his filming schedule. We were informed that his attendance or non-attendance would be confirmed that afternoon, so we postponed the decision on whether to reduce the Seymour Leisure Centre to rubble until Mr. Colley's status should become known.
Speakers on the Saturday included the stunt co-ordinator for the Star Wars films; Michael Sheard (Admiral Ozzel); John Hollis, who played Lobot; Gary Kurtz (producer of the first two films); and Declan Mulholland, the gentleman who is now famous for not playing Jabba the Hutt. Among other interesting discoveries, it was revealed that Gary Kurtz (being a man of taste) was not involved in the third film because he thought the plot was pathetic. Enclosed with this report you will find the convention programme, but unfortunately, as it is a product of the Falcon Society, the programme bears no resemblance to what actually occurred. To our knowledge, the events scheduled for 1600 hours, 1700, 1800 and 1900 never occurred. Furthermore, the humanoid conducting the one slide show which did manage to occur displayed a distressing tendency to mumble, with the result that said slide show became a guessing game to determine each slide's relevance.
At approximately 1400 hours it was announced that Ken Colley would indeed be attending the next day (although his name on the list of guests was still accompanied by "to be confirmed", leading to further dark mutterings regarding the possible necessity of annihilating the Seymour Leisure Centre and its populace). We secured accomodation in the neighbourhood, and can report that all commerce should at once be broken off between representives of the Empire and the Cameron House Hotel, otherwise known as Cockroach Palace, on Sussex Gardens.
The following day, we narrowly escaped death by poisoning at the hands of the Cockroach Palace's proprietors. Having escaped with our lives, if not our dignity, intact, we utilised the hours remaining until the convention began in further reconnaissance work, in and around Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, as well as the Wellington Pub, which receives our highest commendations. The convention re-opened at 1300 hours, and the necessity of destroying all members of the Falcon Society was averted by the sighting of Ken Colley walking into the Seymour Leisure Centre bar.
During the question and answer session, Line Captain Service gave the official greetings of the Cult of Piett to Mr. Colley. He appeared bemused but flattered (and Michael Sheard began bristling with jealousy). Speakers at the convention on the second day, in addition to Mr. Colley, were Shelagh Fraser (Aunt Beru); Stuart and Kay Freeborn, the make-up artists for the films; and, returning for repeat performances, John Hollis, Michael Sheard, and Declan Mulholland. The highlight of the day at least in the mind of Michael Sheard seemed to be the fact that the afore-mentioned Mr. Sheard "has a book". His autobiography, Yes, Mr. Bronson, has just been published, and there were huge stacks of it available for sale at the convention, a fact which Mr. Sheard was disinclined to let anyone forget.
Following the question and answer session, we managed to waylay Mr. Colley while he was at the stall of one of the vendors, browsing through a storybook of The Empire Strikes Back. We asked him if we might have the honour of taking him out for a drink after his duties were accomplished, and he seemed amenable to the notion.
We obtained Mr. Colley's autograph during the scheduled autographing session, and Commander Hartsiotis secured Mr. Colley's agreement that he would become honorary president/patron/whatever of the Cult of Piett. We then lurked about as his bodyguard, in the hopes that he could eventually escape for the afore-mentioned drink. Mr. Colley was kind enough to chat with us during a lull in the autographing, and three of us succeeded in having our photograph taken with him, to the disgust of Michael Sheard, who was disgruntled at not having his own fan club in evidence. At one point Mr. Sheard taunted Mr. Colley with the statement that Sheard had signed more autographs, to which Mr. Colley's response was "you're older than I am". We learned that Mr. Colley is from Manchester, which he described as a place that one comes from but doesn't go back to. We further learned that he had been filming until 0100 hours that morning, in an independent thriller entitled The Hit, and that the final scene which he had been filming involved his being shot in the back. Unfortunately, Mr. Colley proved unable to escape from the convention, and he politely suggested that we leave, as he had seventy miles to drive to get home and he really wanted some sleep. We thus took our leave and repaired once more to the Wellington, which proved to be home of the largest steak and kidney pie in existence. We then commenced our return journey to York.
It is, in summation, our recommendation that the Falcon Society should probably not be destroyed, as they did eventually succeed in securing Mr. Colley's presence. However, we urge that said Society be immediately annexed by the Empire and saved from themselves, as otherwise they will continue in their disorganised course, bringing humiliation to themselves and aggravation to others.
We trust that this report finds you in good health. Long live the Emperor!
Respectfully,
Line Captain Alex Service
Captain Monika Simon
Commander Kirsty Hartsiotis
Commander Michael Gaunt
The film Mr. Colley spoke of may have possibly been released under the name Shadow Run in 1998.
